Virginia

The next stop on my housesit adventure was a place in the middle of Virginia, near Shenandoah National Park. This was not a great sit, and I’ve been debating how much to say. I’ll just preface this with a disclaimer: This is just MY opinion, and not fact. And, I’m sure other sitters may have found it just fine. Having said that ….

The home owner advertised it as isolated home in the woods. And it was. It had rained all day on the 9 hour drive down from Boston, so when I got into the area, I was already a bit tired. I knew the place was off the beaten track, but my trusty GPS Clare lead the way, and I had googled it before I left and knew it was the last house on the road. It was a very rural area, and once I got of the main road onto the gravel road, I was immediately barraged by “Private Property” and “No Trespassing” signs.

Tons of them, like on every other tree. As I got further up the road, it got narrower and darker, and there were more signs. I was getting a little nervous, it was kinda creepy, and I was already way out in the sticks. (Note: I took these pictures the next day in the sunshine). I started to have dumb thoughts about maybe this guy just posted a housesit as a ruse to get unsuspecting women up there in the middle of nowhere. Just because he said he and his wife of 50 years were going to going to visit their grandchildren didn’t mean it was true! There were turn offs here and there, to other houses way back in the woods, but I kept on going, slowly. Finally, I reached a clearing, a house, and the end of the road. I had told my guy that I would be there at 6pm, and it was 6:04 (I hate to be late), and sure enough, there he was standing at the top of driveway. He must have been outside waiting for me. So I pulled up into his driveway, and this is what I saw:

You might remember this guy from Pet Semetary. Maybe he didn’t look exactly like this, but pretty close, and this is what my brain saw. He didn’t have a shovel (yet), he just stood there with his arms crossed, and his dog by his side staring at me. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Hi!” (smile)

Him: (Silence. Arms crossed, not smiling, dog sitting next to him, not smiling)

Me: “Should I just park here?” (smile)

Him: “Whad da ya want? (scowl)

Me. “Ha, Ha” (nervous laugh, smile) He was kinda funny when we were conversing on the house-sit site, so I thought he must be joking with me.

Him: scowl – still not smiling – still standing with his arms crossed.

Me: (smile) “Ha, Ha .. Um, wait .. are you serious ?” (Doubt starting to form)

Him: “Who ya looking for? “

Me: “Um…” (panic, I don’t remember the guys name. I should ask him if he is the guy, but I cant remember his name, it started with a G. I’ve been driving for 9 hours in the rain, and I’m tired, and this guys is staring to freak me out )

Him: Annoyed stare … silence (now he’s really freaking me out)

Me: (F*ck! ) “Um, I’m here for a housesit ??? ” (questioning, sputtering)

Him: Confusion.. then.. scowl.. “Are you here to see the Dr ?”

Me: “The Doctor ?? No” (incredulous, then confusion)

Him: (more annoyed stare, still standing 5 feet way with arms crossed, dog still not smiling)

Me: “Oh, do you mean the professor ?” (I remember this guy was a professor, so maybe he meant that kind of doctor, and I also suddenly remember I did pass a very small sign that said “Dr. & Mrs.. something-or-other” (see picture above) . But it was supposed to be the last house on the road, and this WAS the last house on the road! And I wasn’t thinking of him as a doctor, and I didn’t know his last name ??!!)

Him: “Are you housesitting for the Dr?” (some gleam of understanding)

Me: “YES !!!!! ” (too loudy) .. “Sorry, is this the wrong place?” (Duh) “I was just following my GPS” (mild panic)

Him: (grufly) “Those things don’t work out here”.

Me: “Uh, I must have missed the turn ?? ” (trying to back up quickly)

Him: “Yeah, he’s had a few house-sitters up there, he’s always traveling. Yeah, we know the doctor he’s a good guy. You can just drive up through my yard here to get to his house. ” (Still not smiling, but not scowling .. borderline friendly)

Me: (Still scared & freaking out, eyes probably bulging) “Oh no really, I’ll go back and take the turn I missed”.

Him: “No, No, No.. you just drive right up through the yard here, its a little bumpy, so go slow”. (downright pleasant as he’s directing me through his yard)

So I slowly drove through his yard and did, indeed, find the road and continued on up until I reached the good doctor’s house. Sheesh!! And it WAS the last house on the road, but I missed the side road the Dr created to avoid this guy’s house. Huh, I wonder why ?

And that was just the beginning!

The Dr’s house seemed very welcoming after that! But it was still wet and muggy and there were bugs, gnats, who knows what flying all around, I could barley get up to his house without inhaling them. Not knowing what to expect, I knocked timidly and the Dr came out with a Boston College sweatshirt and Birkenstocks. Go figure.

His wife (yes she did exist) took me out to show me how to feed the barn cats (One named Barney, like maybe Tim named him ?) and feed the chickens. Ok, I don’t really like chickens, but I tolerate them for the fresh eggs, and I have been on several housesits where the coops were immaculate. That was not this. Apparently, they had inherited a bunch of chickens from a dead neighbor. Or maybe the chickens WERE dead and they called the neighbor, Mr. Semetary, to help. Whatever the reason, the chicken house was packed FULL of chickens, and they STINK, and they poop everywhere and they’re just nasty! But we got the eggs and got them fed & headed back to the house and thank god, they offered me a glass of wine! YES!! (too loudly).

She showed me where to put the eggs and then said … “Oh, some older guy might stop in to buy eggs. He’s very nice, but a little slow. I think he’s just lonely. He usually shows up early on Fridays, so I’m always sure to get dressed early in case he shows up. I told he him we wouldn’t be here, but he might still show up because I’m not sure he understood.” Oh? I say ?!!?? She says, ‘Yes, he’ll give you $5, and just give him 2 dozen eggs”. Huh, I think, a slow lonely old guy. Great! Have I mentioned how isolated this place is ??

Next I got a tour of the house. They bought the house 48 years ago when it was a ‘shack’, (I saw the pictures) and they’ve been adding on, one room at a time. The pictures on the website were very nice, and some of the rooms and areas were very nice as well. And then other areas of the house were just old and musty, and I’m going to overuse this word a lot .. but it was a little creepy!

They were very nice, they made me dinner. I told them I had met their neighbor and he laughed and said. “Oh yeah, these Virginia back woods people, they don’t like strangers. But Steve’s OK, he means well.” Funny, I didn’t tell him which neighbor, he just knew!

Then I got some more detailed dog info. Sometimes they start barking in the middle of the night, just ignore it. But if they all start going crazy, DON’T let them out, because its probably a bear, and if you let them out, it’ll be hours before they come back. Side note: the site said the dogs had an invisible fence (they bury it under the ground), but that only works if the dogs are wearing their collars. They said they stopped using the collars because the dogs mostly stuck around, its been a long time since one of them ran off. Oh, and if you leave, or if someone comes up, get the dogs in the house because they’ll chase them down the road. Um? OK.

I also got the story about someone who had visited last week and was complaining about all the chiggers he had gotten while he was here. This was AFTER we had gone out to the barn. The wife insisted that there were no chiggers near the house, they were all out in the woods. (We live in a good neighborhood Bill!).

I excused myself to go to bed, to lock the bedroom door and just hide out. I was cursing myself that I didn’t bring the rum in with me. The windows were cracked open to let air in so I opened them up wider to cool it off and the window sills were full of dead bugs. He called them ‘stink bugs’, but these were not big black NM stink bugs. These were smaller brown ones that FLY! Also in my bedroom was a bookcase full of books and other weird knickknacks (clowns) and a sink? The sink was missing a door, so someone had the great idea to use a framed baptismal certificate from some random relative ???!!!

(That last image is really scary!!) I didn’t sleep well and had weird ass dreams all night, mostly about bugs all over the house, and chiggers. They left early the next morning, so I stayed there all day to get work done and get settled in… and started noticing other things.

The smell: They had those little plug-in air fresheners in almost EVERY SINGLE OUTLET. I have an issue with those things anyway, they go through my nose and poke straight into the irritation center of my brain. I think it was probably trying to cover the old musty smell of the house, so it was a musty nasty with perfume on top. I could not escape it and it drove me nuts.

The decor: Every possible available space was filled with a knickknack. Kitschy is the word that pops into my brain, 48 years of accumulated stuff. Most of them were autumn themed; pumpkins, leaves..etc.. I was told there were 40 storage bins in the basement with all of the Christmas decor. I mean, a little holiday decorating is nice, but this was extreme. I cant imagine how long it took to set it all up, and apparently that was nothing compared to Christmas. I do have some pictures, but I didn’t want to bash them for their decor (too late). I’ll just say that they had a different decorating style than I do, and I found some of it creepy. Rather, I found the overwhelming quantity of it creepy.

I know, you’re thinking, “Oh, that’s so cute”, and it was, but it was EVERYWHERE. I counted over 100 pumpkins.

Clocks: There was a grandfather clock and 2 other clocks that chimed, and they were not in sync. So every hour, and every half hour, there was about 5 minutes worth of different chimes and dongs. They started to rattle my brain.

None of these things by themselves is really bad, it all just started to gnaw at my nerves.

The next morning the sun was out and I had a nice cup of coffee on the screened porch. (The screen was continually covered with the flying stink bugs that were everywhere). The porch didn’t smell as bad as the rest of the house so I was enjoying my coffee and reading a book when I saw a mamma deer and a baby deer wander into the yard. They were so cute, happily wandering around, enjoying the peace of a quiet fall morning. And then the dogs saw them! All four dogs, chasing them full speed through the forest. I remembered that they did not have their invisible fence collars and wondered when, if ever, I might see them again.

A note about the dogs, they were great. One was deaf, one was almost blind, one was an overactive 4 year old and the other one became my friend and followed me everywhere. I don’t think dogs can be evil (they’re not deceptive enough, as opposed to cats), so the dogs helped level out the creep-factor that was ever growing in my head.

Later that morning, the egg guy showed up. He didn’t knock, he just stood at the door and looked in. The only reason I knew he was there was that all of the dogs went running to the front door. They didn’t bark either, just eagerly wagged their tails. He was exactly as she described him, a little slow, and he didn’t say much. “Are you housesitting?” Yes, I said. “She said there was gonna be a house sitter here”. I gave him his eggs, and he gave me $5, and said, “I hope you like housesitting”. And that was it. Huh.

I had envisioned walking the trails on the land here, as had been advertised on the site, but after the chigger conversation, (and knowing Semetary Steve was nearby), I opted out of that. Instead, I headed off to town to get some groceries.

Semetary Steve was right, GPS does not work up there. It only worked on the way in because I already had the route saved. So I started driving in the general direction I thought I needed to go in and figured the GPS would kick in when I got back into coverage. I honestly had no idea that there was still an area in America that did not have a GPS signal to get to WalMart !!!! Seriously ?? I started to get a little nervous, then a lot nervous. These were just small backcountry roads and I didn’t wan to run into another Steve!! I made a few u turns when the roads got too small and seriously navigated my way to Walmart by just taking the roads that looked ‘bigger’. Finally, a shining beacon of light, the WalMart !!!! And then, as though the powers of the universe sought to reward me for my excellent non-Clare navigation skills, they presented me with a McDonalds too !!!!

Feeling so much better with a fresh, strong iced tea, french fries and a bag of groceries, I headed back to the dungeon. As I had assumed, there was cell service at WalMart, so I was sure to download my directions. The area was beautiful (if you’re not lost), and I cruised around a bit. I didn’t have a National Park Pass so I wanted to save the drive through Shenandoah when I had more time and could get my money’s worth! I thought about going to see some nearby caverns, but honestly, my nerves were just fried. I was just tired and annoyed, and had not been getting great sleep.

The next day was free National Park Pass day! It was also raining like a … like a lot. I believe there was a hurricane offshore. In retrospect, I should have gone anyway, but I opted to stay put. The road up was dirt & gravel, and the water was seriously coming down. I had wanted to check out “Skyline Drive” with amazing views, but in this weather, it would have been grey, grey and more grey. So I was stuck in this nasty smelling place, all day, and I just wanted to get through it so I could leave the following day and ‘GET OUT’ of there. What better thing to do on a sad rainy day than to drink rum & watch Guardians of the Galaxy! I even had some popcorn! Woo Hoo!!!

Well, that lasted for awhile. I think I was just really tired of feeling so weird and uncomfortable and creeped out. There was not one ‘single’ thing about this place that was horrible, but it just felt icky. I had no logical reason to hate it, but I did. Just weird, bad vibes, like it was sucking the life out of me! Dramatic, a little? Yes. Stuck in my head ? Absolutely. But it was horrible. I got really sick that night, probably from drinking rum all day, and I just felt awful, cried myself to sleep, and waited for the morning light.

The next day .. FREEDOM !!! I got all the chores done and then got the F OUT of there at 2pm as we had agreed on. (Actually 1:45). I could feel my stomach unclench and the slow return of rational thought as I got further away.

Do you know the scene at the end of El Camino (Breaking Bad) when Jesse finally escapes? Yeah.

I had originally planned to stay with my next housesit people that night, but instead I booked a hotel room. I drove all the way out of Virginia without stopping, and then stayed at a clean, fresh, fabulous hotel in Tennessee! I slept like a dead log, and left early the next morning for Asheville, NC.